This is How I See You

Every morning without fail Max begins his series of inquiries. "What are we  going to do today mom? Are we going somewhere mom? What's happening next mom? What are we going to do after breakfast mom?" He is in fact exhibiting uncertainty reduction theory just as my graduate professors promised. Human nature lends us to instinctively look ahead and attempt to predict the next moment in order to reduce our fears, our feelings of the unknown. Children question us bigger kids to give them just a glimpse into what is going to happen the next hour, the next day, what it means to count down the advent calendar or help them understand in five sleeps Santa is coming. So we look for cues, normalcy, routine and the familiar to reduce that uncertainty. The trouble is we are all too often reminded that we have no control and no earthly idea what might happen next. Imagine you are three--these uncertainties must seem gigantic and even the smallest change can feel overwhelming.

The tragedy and horror of last week is leaving us all a bit more than uncertain this holiday season. I have been praying for those families and all the heavy hearts in Newtown. Mostly I go about my daily life, keep my appointments, still let my baby's cry stress me out and insist that Max remember his manners at the dinner table. None of us have the answers and I for one am fumbling my keys in the mall parking lot, keeping my eyes peeled for something suspicious but have no real idea what it is I am trying to see. The only sensible realization came to me when catching up on episodes of Parenthood. I don't keep up with my DVR very well these days but this show just speaks to me and I enjoy the characters. So amongst the holiday bustle and the ache we all feel for those experiencing recent tragedy or reliving a day years ago when they too lost something irreplaceable---all I can think to say or do is tell Max and Will how very loved they are, spend a moment here acknowledging them just as they are today, in this very time and hope they always know and remember a mom that stopped to read them a book, sing them a song and if possible made sure something sweet happened every day.

To Max, this is how I see you: You have a silly heart and gigantic imagination. Moments with you pretending your cars are running the town and meeting new friends helps me breathe a little deeper. At three you are wanting to know my favorite color or what music I prefer--this level of sincere curiosity is nothing short of exquisite. Your love of books and endless chatter tells me we share a love for the written word and enjoy good conversation. In your latest role as big brother, you are really stealing the show. Watching you with Will melts my heart. The tenderness and devotion you have for him tells me so much about you. I have no doubt your capacity to love, desire to learn and willingness to discover are keys to your future success. Precocious for certain, you want to chase and be chased, you already know how to flirt (really well) and you will certainly be turning heads for many reasons. A talker first and walker second, I see you as my poet, author and healer.

To Will, this is how I see you: Your knowing smile at five months is very telling. I envision big love from you for all things great and small. A temperment that's a challenge for sure is likely to bring great accomplishment. You are my snuggler and desire lots of attention. Your kicks and jumping antics tell me you are sure to be the rough and tumble one. Yet I observe a sensitive soul in there, you look far into my eyes and yours tell me a story so wise. I see you as a teacher, coach and climber of mountains.

Max spent a few nights on his own at my mom's over Thanksgiving and it was then I recorded a few of his favorite songs on video, so he had a special bedtime message. It was a song that only Max and I know so it had to be preserved on film! This made me realize as many photos as I capture or upload to Facebook, I still hadn't recorded the most precious gifts and moments. Now in 20 years when neither of us remember the random tune and lyrics to "Mater & Lightening are Friends" we can reminisce.

Take some time this season and all year long to write down that story the kids love (you made up out of the blue), create a video diary with special messages or songs, paste all those status updates from FB and save them in a file or start a simple journal of notes/letters like the one I have for Max. When I have a chance I write him a letter about what he is doing and how things are going in our lives. None of these ideas are novel, maybe you have some to share too and I would love to hear. Sometimes a little nudge or reminder to take that time is a priceless gift, a tangible piece of yourself to give your children or any loved one.

I admittedly just adore Sarah Mclachlan, a snippet from her "Wintersong" expresses my full heart for both my sons. Even I know when to quote and stop blubbering. To Max and Will, my beautiful boys, I wish you love and only love--this is how I see you:

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

It really does take a village, I profess this is my village...

My blog posts took a hiatus during Will's fourth trimester! He has been a challenging newborn and we have thrown in hand, foot and mouth disease for Max amongst family events and house projects--a recipe for utter mayhem. I had the nerve today to dust off both the boys scrapbooks (rather empty and peaked looking right now) and see what sort of progress could be had. It reminded me of the countless cards, calls, house visits and generous offerings of love we have received since welcoming our second baby boy into the world.

My cousin/sister, Melis, always reminds me it really does take a village to raise children and those who surround you during the trying times will cement themselves as lifesavers. These loving people come into your life at the right time or have been there all along and keep coming back time and time again. My village is vast and I don't know how I got so blessed but I am forever grateful. When you  live so far from family and the familiar, you come to appreciate and understand how deep hearts can go.

Its the neighbor who literally whisks your eldest under her wing to make him feel extra special, extra loved when you have doctor's appointments or a newborn to feed round the clock. She can be called at a moment's notice and never expects a thing in return. And when you see your son light up at her mere presence, you feel it was truly serendipitus that you chose this house, this cul de sac, this town in which to reside. It seems as though we were all placed adjacent the most loving and caring individuals.

Its the parents two doors down who open their doors to your family and remind you that caring for yourself and remembering to keep your marriage a priority are the keys to keeping sane and being better parents for your kids. They share wisdom, indulge your child with positive energy and lend a helping hand whenever possible. The neighbors who look out for you and along the way become not just the parents of your child's pals, but friends.

Its the woman you meet at church who becomes a true confidant. You share parenting struggles, help each other through the winter blues and journey through your second pregnancies together. All the while becoming more familiar and soon feel like you have known each other all along.This support system becomes invaluable and you didn't even know you needed someone just like her in your life.

Its the distant forever friends who check in on you like clockwork--exactly when you need it most, their timing can make you weep. Or the sorority sisters and college roomies and teammates who continue to lift you up even though miles separate---their calls, cards and messages remind you they are right beside you every step, every milestone.



And of course its your family. My village is vast, ever changing and often beyond the bloodlines but my relatives are too that village connecting us all. Its the sister-in-laws who dote on my children and love them unconditionally. Its the uncles that make them giggle and keep your partner in stitches too. Its your mother-in-law who only sees goodness in your kids and comes whenever called, without question, she just arrives to help and to love. Its the cousins who make your children pictures, give them long-lasting hugs and chase them up the stairs. Its my own grandmother who checks up on me, reminds me to pause and appreciate this precious time--she still sees me as a little girl and I love this. The family that makes you feel like we all live in one block, when we get together it feels as if no time has passed, no miles are between us---it is love and only love and we drink it up.

Its your mother who has a permanent lock on what you need, when you need it and drops everything to comfort you, to soothe your children, to love your world, to do your laundry, to help your marriage, to give you the world again and again. My mother doesn't think my kids fuss, she just senses what they need and provides. She doesn't see my pale, undone face and hair---she sees her daughter feeding her newborn and striving to create normalcy---she sees this and calls me beautiful and skinny. For this and so much more, I salute the queen of my vast village---thanks is not enough mom but I say it anyway.



Waiting to really run again...

As this second pregnancy draws to a close, I thought a bit more reflection was in order. After all when will I again have a little time to write? I will be lucky to eat a meal and shower. Yet somehow with all the chaos babies and toddlers bring, the end of this pregnancy has me excited for the return of some very necessary rituals and habits. Of course indulging again in fresh sushi, good wine, a strong margarita and cold cuts without concern are top of the list for me but those are just things, mere menu items. The real excaliber is returning to a long run through the trails, short sprints or strides on the track or in my backyard and the notion that if I want to race or train for anything I can.

Funny how once something is taken away from you, something that you likely took for granted, didn't appreciate and really don't always embrace--that is the very moment you miss it the most. I am a life long runner, I have had a few decent races in my day but nothing special, nothing spectacular. Injuries certainly plagued me at various times during peak training periods like they do many an athlete. I made a decent attempt to run in college, have completed a few marathons and even qualified for Boston once. However, the runners I watch during Olympic trials and again on the Olympic stage have surpassed me on so many levels with their dedication and desire. I include this preface to establish that I am no expert, no certified trainer or nutritionist--just a girl who found a love for running long ago for many a reason.

Throughout this pregnancy and the preceding I ran as long as I felt comfortable. Carrying Max that was until about 38 1/2 weeks and with this second little guy it was probably about 36 1/2 weeks. Neither time was I trying to prove something to anyone, not even myself and I wasn't determined to make it so many weeks or months necessarily. I simply wanted to stay as active as I could for as long as I could. Along with running, some yoga, walking and swimming accompanied my pregnancy regime. And of course this second time around I had a toddler to keep up with at all hours--probably the most rigorous challenge of all. So many neighbors and friends both new and old, along with the occasional stranger have seemed intrigued by my activity level, so I felt prompted to journal a bit of my experience here.

The most important thing I can share with others (regardless of your phase in life or age) is to create a lifestyle and exercise routine that will help you maintain your weight and more importantly give you various outlets for lowering stress, working your heart and truly making the body, mind and spirit connection. Pregnancy is just one phase or experience in life that provides you with the power to take a look outside yourself and ask if you are doing the best you can. Just as you prepare for surgery by following the pre-op instructions, you can prepare for pregnancy by organizing, saving up money for an addition to the family and by readying your body. We have all likely heard the mantra that you can do whatever you have been doing throughout pregnancy but don't introduce anything new to your exercise routine. For many women starting a family or hoping to alter that wedding gown size are great motivators to get active. I do not condone these short-term factors, rather I always encourage anyone who asks me about exercise to start today and never stop--regardless of what you have going on, what is coming up next or what you think is going to happen to you.

Life doesn't work the way we plan. Too many unexpected roadblocks, tragedies and unthinkable acts happen to so many of us and there is nothing we can do to prevent it. I think becoming a parent really helped me to understand how very little we control. But that doesn't mean we should give up, it doesn't mean we should say what the hell and eat the entire box of chocolates. And it doesn't mean we should exercise only when its convenient or when a big event is coming up.

I don't have great words of wisdom or even a real rationale for how I keep myself motivated. For whatever it's worth, I can share that I found something I love and decided to never let it go for as long as my body lets me. And with this love came a commitment, an addiction really. Running gives me so much freedom in this life. It provides me an outlet to think of everything and nothing all at once; it often is the only chance I get to be outside or alone in a day; and it is the catalyst for other activities like hiking, yoga and swimming to come a little easier to me at various times when I need to rely on something less rough on the old joints.

My last few weeks of pregnancy and post-pregnancy hiatus from running will certainly set me back and I will be fighting the pain to get back those miles I lost. Yet I know my outlook on excercise and activity have kept me in the game longer and will help be bounce back faster. I haven't raced or trained for anything serious since I had Max, but I still keep the same equation from a beloved high school coach in my mind as if I am training for something. He always told his runners, it takes us months and weeks to prepare for the season, to peak at the right time but mere days (3 typically) to lose it all. Your ultimate fitness won't come in a week, it won't happen over night--it will take time and once you get there don't look back. Besides the end of pregnancy and the recovery to follow I never let even 2 days go by without doing some level of cardiovascular activity, usually a run for me, but for so many a bike ride, long swim or challenging class accomplishes this.

Maybe this was all self-indulgent, maybe no one reading this will even get the point. I do hope someone out there is inspired, perhaps to stay fit, get fit or just give something a try. My life would have such a void without running. I am thankful to have the limbs, the stamina and the self-motivation to have stuck with it all these years. Yes I am very anxious to meet this baby boy and I bet he gets to go for a run pretty early in his life, just like brother Max. Enjoy the ride boys, I know I have.

A very pregnant pause...

I realize my time is running out on this journey called pregnancy. I near the 36 week mark and cannot help but capture a few thoughts. Highly doubtful I will carry another being around for 9 months again so it seems fitting to scribble down a few notes of the experience you think you will never forget, but somehow pieces get lost in your memory...

On the move: Once baby really starts growing and jumping about the sensation is almost indescribable even to yourself. This second little guy of ours was wiggling around by 14 or 15 weeks, much earlier than Max. And he has continued to surpass big brother in the somersault and kick/jab maneuvers. I think we might videotape the movement so visible across my belly, then again when would you watch that clip and who else would actually have interest in viewing? One of the many fascinations of this journey, even when you try to capture a milestone in a journal or scrapbook or take photos each month of the belly's progression you simply cannot fully dictate, orate or record the experience completely. That is what makes pregnancy such a gift and one of the most amazing, godly, earthly and mystical experiences of one's life. I say this rather romantically for being one currently swelting the last few weeks out but I have really tried not to complain. Likely because at many points in my life for drastically different reasons I never imagined I would want to and then later even could carry a baby, grow a baby, have a baby. That I was blessed to experience it twice still astonishes me. The other night as I attempted to sleep whilst the little boxer kicked or soccer player punted at me, I was still in awe that just a few feet away slept my first babe. This precious, precocious little man calls me mommy, rubs my nose with his, tries to make me laugh when he knows I am angry and surprises me happily every day. And each day my love for him grows when I thought it was already boundless. In just a few short weeks this unimagined family of mine will go from three to four. We are never ready for drastic change but we keep moving through and navigating the best we can in this world, with this very life we are granted. I could not ask for more.


Now the above seems a fitting end to the pregnant pause posting but somehow I must capture a few comments from others and some are actually very sweet. It seems I could never forget these doozies but anything is possible, after all you might read this and think never would someone say this directly to a pregnant woman but indeed folks - I just cannot make this stuff up!

Things people will say to a very pregnant woman (and really did):
- Wow! Any day now huh?
- No way are you going to your due date with that belly.
- I didn't think you could get any bigger but here you are...
- You have really really popped!
- You were just meant to be pregnant, you look great:)
- You look so strong and really fit.
- My, my have you just shot out there, oh but it all looks really really tight.
- Now can you tie your shoes anymore? I wouldn't think you possibly could.
- Oh boy I hope we have some paramedics around, looks like you could go any minute now!
- Look out, look out!

Look out is right, here comes a very pregnant lady. I wouldn't mess with her or her young:)

A face to remember

This is the face I want to remember years from now when I look back at the era my career took a pause and life got rather crazy but oh so much fun. Max is grinning at me from the back seat as we take off for yoga and he gets to play with friends and eat bagels with Mindy and Barbie in the kids room. We do this every Tuesday and Thursday, sometimes even more when I need to run by myself, swim because my pregnant belly is swelling or I just need to shower and have a coffee at my leisure. Sounds like a pretty good life I know but sprinkle in the many hours I take care of Max, and soon another little guy, all by my lonesome and I believe I deserve it. This took me awhile to admit and finally allow myself an hour or so a few days a week to decompress. I work from home for the Red Cross but one might call it dabbling in a bit of project stuff from time to time -- so what work was I really doing? This face you see--this glowing, priceless face tells the real story.

Yesterday after Max's nap we went on a hike with our lovely dog, Bella. All of us equally excited at the prospect of trekking out our backyard and entering a tranquil wilderness retreat just a short walk away. We were not disappointed. A turtle was spotted and two butterflies followed Bella's tail as we crossed a magical bridge the troll probably built according to Max. Countless frogs and several shuffling feet became our soundtrack and no one wanted the adventure to end. So we promised the next day to venture out again, to take on new discoveries, and experience the thrill of first time observations.

Tomorrow brought rain by the buckets. And our adventuresome trio became a duo heading to the bookstore and finding a surprise appearance by a very large mouse eating a very large cookie. We hadn't read the book series "Give a Mouse a Cookie..." but our curiosity could not be stopped. Between stories and a high five session with the said large mouse, Max spent nearly an hour driving trains around a nice little track the store offers in the kids corner. He adores making circles, driving anything around and around, again and again. Looks exhausting to me but nothing pleases him more. Watching him interact so politely with the other rascals never ceases to bring joy to my heart and a little pride that he says excuse me and seems to look out for the little ones already, how do they get this extinct? Amazes me what he knows and learns that Tim and I didn't teach. He is an observer and I am thankful most of this skill has translated into positive habits--for today anyway. And so we head out sloshing through the rain to have an impromptu lunch together. I watch as two ladies steal glimpses and often stare at Max as he eats an apple in Panera. It doesn't bother me in the least, if you have seen this kid eat an entire apple down to the core you would stare too. Not only impressive but the chomping and slurping is somehow so whimsical, you find yourself looking for an apple too.

So you see my work is different these days, I still have wishful moments that I get transported back to the water cooler conversations, the deadlines and well the mental time to myself. No situation is perfect and we women especially give ourselves a tough time. No matter how we spend our days as mothers, by choice or default, it still feels like we left something out and we cannot possibly do everything right. And even our kids come to know, it just cannot all be right. We have to throw in a little rain and jump in that puddle anyway. And to look at that face-- such an inquiring mind. I get the pleasure of knowing all his nuances from day to day. Some days make me a little zany but I don't want to remember this any other way.

The next baby boy

This is a self-photo at 6 months along with our next baby boy, you get desperate to keep track and resort to such silly photos! Tim and I are not always in the same place when we remember to capture the moment so forgive my funny photo.

At this point I am feeling better but bigger for sure. I have spent the last several weeks easing myself into the idea of having two boys. What's a girl to do? Funny how mere acquaintances react to us having another boy as such a dilemma. I too felt this way before we found out. Not having a girl will mean less power shopping, all the mother-daughter memories like my mom and I have cherished will be void and though I am not the most girly of girly girls I do love a sappy movie, enjoy being pampered and simply adore being a girl. So again what's a girl to do? Then you get the comments like girls will never leave you and it makes you think well with two sons Tim and I will be put out to pasture before our time - yikes! Or I love the immediate response of "will you try for a girl then"? No guarantees there folks, we know a family having their fourth boy in just a week or so. So I dug down deep into my heart of hearts and asked what's a girl to do?

Simple really -- enjoy growing this magical creature that miraculously, and not easily, was created to complete our family. He will come into our lives and bring Max a best friend, Tim another buddy and helper and me another little prince, and with two I just might get a little spoiled myself!

Everyone says as long as they are healthy matters most. I could not agree more. Sometimes your child is not perfectly healthy in mind or body and those parents push through and do the very best for their innocent little ones. I salute those families and honestly hope I do not know their strife. When it all happens, whether your family circle is complete or just getting started you feel a bit guilty admitting that you want a happy, healthy child and you do pray that nothing abnormal will appear. Those children and individuals with special needs of any kind are God's creatures and deserving of so much love but I personally cannot deny never wanting my child or any child to feel marginalized or deal with poor health. These are things we cannot control just like we cannot dictate the gender of our child. But among these observations doesn't it seem really silly to worry over pink or blue? I learned my lesson for sure and snapped myself out of the pretty in pink zone in just enough time to remember this next baby, this baby boy, will bring so much joy and no matter what he looks like or acts like he will be beautiful and perfect to me.

Baby Krueger 2

12 week photo

Blog entry written on January 20, 2012

Dear Baby K (2):

Today I am 14 weeks along with precious you. I wanted to write my first entry focusing on little you. My pregnancy journal is in progress and I have made a valiant effort (if I do say so) to track as much detail and excitement as we did journeying through this with your big brother. Such a challenge but already I find myself wanting to be fair and give you as much press and attention as Mr. Max received. There I go already mentioning his name in your blog entry, sorry baby!

Anyway, to begin we are so excited to know our family will expand to include you. We certainly didn't know if we could have another as it was quite the journey to get your brother here but blessings continue to shower us and upon finding out you were really growing inside me left us overjoyed, over the moon and then some! Your dad couldn't believe it when I told him and knowing you are to arrive so close to Aunt Sheila or Grandma Bernie's birthdays is just too much fun. Then the icing on the birthday cake -- well Uncle Marc and Aunt Erin are expecting their first baby just a few weeks after us. Now that is serendipitous and all too delightful. You will have a cousin so close to your age, I know whether you are both girls, boys or one of each -- you two little Krueger's will have a very special bond.

I am including a few baby bump photos to show you how quickly I grew out of my regular clothes with you (I was already all stretched out from your brother) and just as expected I do feel bigger than the first time around. In other news, carrying you has been so different. Take comfort this experience has been unique and nothing like your brother's. No fault of yours little pea pod but mom was pretty sick the first few months you moved in and took residence. I continued running and yoga, thinking it would ease some of the icky stuff but time was the only remedy. I am doing better now but still have to avoid chocolate (I do sneak a bite or two though) and really focus on what foods will work or not (this is probably a good thing). Luckily for both of us I love fruit and gummy candy both of which have been favorites. I think you will come to agree once you experience these delights for yourself!

Things are a little different in Minnesota (your birth state) than Wisconsin (brother Max's birth state). In the land of a 10,000 lakes, ultrasounds to see how you are growing and get a real look at you are not routinely done until around 20 weeks. So for now I have heard your beautiful heartbeat (very fast and very loud) but haven't laid eyes on beautiful you. The best things in life are worth waiting for so stay tuned and I will have more to share.

All for this post my love, good job growing and here's to you my second born. Your dad and I were both the second child (and we turned out just fine, although you kids will likely debate this many times over). I love you and wish for you only peace and love in this wonderful and crazy life.

Another Sleepless Night

I haven't posted in some time and perhaps my exhaustion or delirium is compelling me to type. Tim was on call last night and no matter how many years or overnight calls pile up, I am never ready for sleeping alone. I do enjoy the extra space, Tim can attest I like my space! However, it just feels strange crawling into bed with Bella plopped perfectly on the floor in her grand bed and Max snug tight sleeping soundly in his room, but here I am alone with no one to kiss goodnight. Falling to sleep comes pretty easily, but when I wake an hour or so into my slumber and hear that Max is resting quietly, Bella is roused by nothing - I still have this sense that I should stay awake to watch over the house. We have an alarm system, I stare at it more than once to make sure I see the red light indicating I did activate it correctly but this gives me little comfort. I am confident in the alarm system but my worries of the world, for our families, for our lives seem endless. I admit always having a little trouble sleeping, I would never denote professional sleeper beside my name, but since Max the trouble is a real epidemic especially when I am alone.

We parents worry over everything, we apologize over everything -- ok at least this parent does. I try to rest my eyes, as my grandmother calls it, and hope that the simple act of resting my body will at least get me through the next day but my mind is racing. Literally racing up and down the days and months ahead. A series of questions and scenarios run together, trying to share the same lane on the track. Here is just a sample:

- How will Max take to potty training? Should we start more rigorous attempt at 2 1/2 months and that would be in ......April I guess. Hmm...

- Does Bella need to go to the vet? Her ears are better but allergies or something seems to be making her skin angry especially that spot on her jaw. Poor dog, she is falling apart.

- Is tomorrow when we said we would try to put up different frames in our bedroom? Or maybe that was for Sunday?

- Probably should plan on cooking ahead next weekend for the grandma's to be here when we go to Cabo, if we don't do it next weekend it won't get done. I wonder if that meal plan place like one in Madison is around the burbs out here anywhere? That wasn't great food but some options. I should write the Chinese take out number down for my mom, she will go pick it up - they would eat that.

- Maybe I should switch sides that might help me sleep or count my blessings instead of sheep, that's the song Bing sang in White Christmas right? Yes, counting blessings that would be good. Or I could sing in my head the Lord's Prayer, I have heard my mom sing it plenty of times or am I remembering someone else singing it?

- I need to remember and text Ashly tomorrow so we can try and Facetime with them, catch up with Josh a bit more. I probably won't remember when tomorrow comes.

So you likely get the idea by now. Do you know what finally helped me fall asleep (at least from 4:30 - 6:00 am)? I suddenly got the feeling that I wasn't alone at all. I am not the only sleepless parent or single person running questions through my head, counting my blessings and losing sleep random nights. Even when we feel so very alone and isolated as often happens in the midst of a Minnesota winter, we have so many right beside us. I had a sudden sense of guilt that my husband, gone for one night, will be back tomorrow but for some the nights of an empty bed are countless, some by choice but many because of military service, second and third shift occupations and those who have lost their loves to the great beyond. Pretty profound stuff among rambling questions of parenthood and life in the middle of the night but it snapped me back into the land of living. And suddenly I recognized a need for calm, to grab hold of sanity in the still of the night while I had the chance. I decided to breathe, to rest one hand on my heart and let go.