Another Sleepless Night

I haven't posted in some time and perhaps my exhaustion or delirium is compelling me to type. Tim was on call last night and no matter how many years or overnight calls pile up, I am never ready for sleeping alone. I do enjoy the extra space, Tim can attest I like my space! However, it just feels strange crawling into bed with Bella plopped perfectly on the floor in her grand bed and Max snug tight sleeping soundly in his room, but here I am alone with no one to kiss goodnight. Falling to sleep comes pretty easily, but when I wake an hour or so into my slumber and hear that Max is resting quietly, Bella is roused by nothing - I still have this sense that I should stay awake to watch over the house. We have an alarm system, I stare at it more than once to make sure I see the red light indicating I did activate it correctly but this gives me little comfort. I am confident in the alarm system but my worries of the world, for our families, for our lives seem endless. I admit always having a little trouble sleeping, I would never denote professional sleeper beside my name, but since Max the trouble is a real epidemic especially when I am alone.

We parents worry over everything, we apologize over everything -- ok at least this parent does. I try to rest my eyes, as my grandmother calls it, and hope that the simple act of resting my body will at least get me through the next day but my mind is racing. Literally racing up and down the days and months ahead. A series of questions and scenarios run together, trying to share the same lane on the track. Here is just a sample:

- How will Max take to potty training? Should we start more rigorous attempt at 2 1/2 months and that would be in ......April I guess. Hmm...

- Does Bella need to go to the vet? Her ears are better but allergies or something seems to be making her skin angry especially that spot on her jaw. Poor dog, she is falling apart.

- Is tomorrow when we said we would try to put up different frames in our bedroom? Or maybe that was for Sunday?

- Probably should plan on cooking ahead next weekend for the grandma's to be here when we go to Cabo, if we don't do it next weekend it won't get done. I wonder if that meal plan place like one in Madison is around the burbs out here anywhere? That wasn't great food but some options. I should write the Chinese take out number down for my mom, she will go pick it up - they would eat that.

- Maybe I should switch sides that might help me sleep or count my blessings instead of sheep, that's the song Bing sang in White Christmas right? Yes, counting blessings that would be good. Or I could sing in my head the Lord's Prayer, I have heard my mom sing it plenty of times or am I remembering someone else singing it?

- I need to remember and text Ashly tomorrow so we can try and Facetime with them, catch up with Josh a bit more. I probably won't remember when tomorrow comes.

So you likely get the idea by now. Do you know what finally helped me fall asleep (at least from 4:30 - 6:00 am)? I suddenly got the feeling that I wasn't alone at all. I am not the only sleepless parent or single person running questions through my head, counting my blessings and losing sleep random nights. Even when we feel so very alone and isolated as often happens in the midst of a Minnesota winter, we have so many right beside us. I had a sudden sense of guilt that my husband, gone for one night, will be back tomorrow but for some the nights of an empty bed are countless, some by choice but many because of military service, second and third shift occupations and those who have lost their loves to the great beyond. Pretty profound stuff among rambling questions of parenthood and life in the middle of the night but it snapped me back into the land of living. And suddenly I recognized a need for calm, to grab hold of sanity in the still of the night while I had the chance. I decided to breathe, to rest one hand on my heart and let go.