Baby Krueger 2

12 week photo

Blog entry written on January 20, 2012

Dear Baby K (2):

Today I am 14 weeks along with precious you. I wanted to write my first entry focusing on little you. My pregnancy journal is in progress and I have made a valiant effort (if I do say so) to track as much detail and excitement as we did journeying through this with your big brother. Such a challenge but already I find myself wanting to be fair and give you as much press and attention as Mr. Max received. There I go already mentioning his name in your blog entry, sorry baby!

Anyway, to begin we are so excited to know our family will expand to include you. We certainly didn't know if we could have another as it was quite the journey to get your brother here but blessings continue to shower us and upon finding out you were really growing inside me left us overjoyed, over the moon and then some! Your dad couldn't believe it when I told him and knowing you are to arrive so close to Aunt Sheila or Grandma Bernie's birthdays is just too much fun. Then the icing on the birthday cake -- well Uncle Marc and Aunt Erin are expecting their first baby just a few weeks after us. Now that is serendipitous and all too delightful. You will have a cousin so close to your age, I know whether you are both girls, boys or one of each -- you two little Krueger's will have a very special bond.

I am including a few baby bump photos to show you how quickly I grew out of my regular clothes with you (I was already all stretched out from your brother) and just as expected I do feel bigger than the first time around. In other news, carrying you has been so different. Take comfort this experience has been unique and nothing like your brother's. No fault of yours little pea pod but mom was pretty sick the first few months you moved in and took residence. I continued running and yoga, thinking it would ease some of the icky stuff but time was the only remedy. I am doing better now but still have to avoid chocolate (I do sneak a bite or two though) and really focus on what foods will work or not (this is probably a good thing). Luckily for both of us I love fruit and gummy candy both of which have been favorites. I think you will come to agree once you experience these delights for yourself!

Things are a little different in Minnesota (your birth state) than Wisconsin (brother Max's birth state). In the land of a 10,000 lakes, ultrasounds to see how you are growing and get a real look at you are not routinely done until around 20 weeks. So for now I have heard your beautiful heartbeat (very fast and very loud) but haven't laid eyes on beautiful you. The best things in life are worth waiting for so stay tuned and I will have more to share.

All for this post my love, good job growing and here's to you my second born. Your dad and I were both the second child (and we turned out just fine, although you kids will likely debate this many times over). I love you and wish for you only peace and love in this wonderful and crazy life.

Another Sleepless Night

I haven't posted in some time and perhaps my exhaustion or delirium is compelling me to type. Tim was on call last night and no matter how many years or overnight calls pile up, I am never ready for sleeping alone. I do enjoy the extra space, Tim can attest I like my space! However, it just feels strange crawling into bed with Bella plopped perfectly on the floor in her grand bed and Max snug tight sleeping soundly in his room, but here I am alone with no one to kiss goodnight. Falling to sleep comes pretty easily, but when I wake an hour or so into my slumber and hear that Max is resting quietly, Bella is roused by nothing - I still have this sense that I should stay awake to watch over the house. We have an alarm system, I stare at it more than once to make sure I see the red light indicating I did activate it correctly but this gives me little comfort. I am confident in the alarm system but my worries of the world, for our families, for our lives seem endless. I admit always having a little trouble sleeping, I would never denote professional sleeper beside my name, but since Max the trouble is a real epidemic especially when I am alone.

We parents worry over everything, we apologize over everything -- ok at least this parent does. I try to rest my eyes, as my grandmother calls it, and hope that the simple act of resting my body will at least get me through the next day but my mind is racing. Literally racing up and down the days and months ahead. A series of questions and scenarios run together, trying to share the same lane on the track. Here is just a sample:

- How will Max take to potty training? Should we start more rigorous attempt at 2 1/2 months and that would be in ......April I guess. Hmm...

- Does Bella need to go to the vet? Her ears are better but allergies or something seems to be making her skin angry especially that spot on her jaw. Poor dog, she is falling apart.

- Is tomorrow when we said we would try to put up different frames in our bedroom? Or maybe that was for Sunday?

- Probably should plan on cooking ahead next weekend for the grandma's to be here when we go to Cabo, if we don't do it next weekend it won't get done. I wonder if that meal plan place like one in Madison is around the burbs out here anywhere? That wasn't great food but some options. I should write the Chinese take out number down for my mom, she will go pick it up - they would eat that.

- Maybe I should switch sides that might help me sleep or count my blessings instead of sheep, that's the song Bing sang in White Christmas right? Yes, counting blessings that would be good. Or I could sing in my head the Lord's Prayer, I have heard my mom sing it plenty of times or am I remembering someone else singing it?

- I need to remember and text Ashly tomorrow so we can try and Facetime with them, catch up with Josh a bit more. I probably won't remember when tomorrow comes.

So you likely get the idea by now. Do you know what finally helped me fall asleep (at least from 4:30 - 6:00 am)? I suddenly got the feeling that I wasn't alone at all. I am not the only sleepless parent or single person running questions through my head, counting my blessings and losing sleep random nights. Even when we feel so very alone and isolated as often happens in the midst of a Minnesota winter, we have so many right beside us. I had a sudden sense of guilt that my husband, gone for one night, will be back tomorrow but for some the nights of an empty bed are countless, some by choice but many because of military service, second and third shift occupations and those who have lost their loves to the great beyond. Pretty profound stuff among rambling questions of parenthood and life in the middle of the night but it snapped me back into the land of living. And suddenly I recognized a need for calm, to grab hold of sanity in the still of the night while I had the chance. I decided to breathe, to rest one hand on my heart and let go.